As educational as it has been to become increasingly conscious of my own behaviour patterns and calling myself out on my own bullshit, I have actually become further confused about what I want and who I actually am.
You see, I have defined myself by so many different things over the years, particularly my career, and when I started to question that I began questioning everything else.
I’ve been slowly pulling bricks out of my own walls, and while sitting here in the ruins, I flit constantly between glancing out at my new view as well as trying to come up with a creative solution of what to build next.
But to be quite frank I’m shit scared of arranging these bricks badly and building the wrong thing.
Being present is something I still struggle with, and as my mind digs into the past, projects into the future and tries to apply it to the here and now I’m getting nowhere.
In fact, I’ve been getting so far deep in my own head that I’ve automatically picked up my old habits and I have been turning to my usual distractions – Namely, seeking out other people’s shit to deal with so I don’t have to tackle my own.
So I’ve put my foot down and from now on I’m swapping my distraction for action.
I am stuck for the simple fact that it’s impossible to get somewhere if you don’t know where you are going.
And if your past experiences keep appearing like a mind montage of epic disaster every time you try to take a step in any direction, then not only will you not move anywhere but you’ll just be sitting in fear forever – which is pointless, torturous and let’s face it – pretty dumb.
So with my new call to action, I’ve thought long and hard as to how to tackle this and I asked myself what does one do if one gets lost in the physical world?
Find your way back to where you started… and try again.
So with this in mind. I’m going back to basics.
Stripping it all down, taking away all the needless fluffy stuff and cutting out the distractions and BS.
First step, I’ve handed my notice in on my work premises (which I’ve come to realise was a decision made by my ego rather than out of necessity in the first place) and I’m headed back to where I started – working from my dining table and seeing clients in the spare bedroom.
Now, I have been EXTREMELY close to dissolving another business of mine but I’ve finally got over myself and come to realise that I’m actually sitting on gold dust with this one – How often does one have the beauty to start all over again with the knowledge of the past years under their belt and some lovely clients already in the bag too? Not too often I don’t think.
Some things, of course, are not salvageable but this little enterprise I’ve put my heart and soul into definitely deserves another chance.
So my current mantra is “simplify to amplify”
With this in mind, I’m cutting right back on our company’s offerings, and re-modelling the entire operation to be more in line with mine and my team’s values so that we can serve our clients better and be seen as the kick-ass people that we actually are.
So now I’m back at the start, it’s time to put one foot in front of the other and get moving in another direction.
We will no longer be the jack of all trades.
Trying to please everyone gets you absolutely nowhere at all and over the years I’ve drifted so far from what I set out to achieve and the company I wanted to create that it’s completely unrecognisable.
So instead of saying “Yes” to all things I will likely be saying “No” a hell of a lot more and honing in on the things that make us great.
It’s scary, I’m not going to lie, but I am confident we’ll come good at the end.
The word “No” doesn’t feature in my vocabulary very often, I would assume partly because I’ve always loved the thrill of just saying “Yes” and figuring out how to do it later, but also (and perhaps more so) because it would seem I have some codependency issues lurking in my closet which have not been serving me well.
The problem with saying “yes” to too many things is, it’s very easy to lose yourself to other peoples demands and expectations and therefore your actions do not come from the heart which never works out in the long run.
Cutting back, simplifying everything and essentially undressing it all has already made me feel so cleansed, I’m wondering why the heck I haven’t done it sooner?!
So if I continue to keep my ego under wraps and remember to always KISS (the acronym for “keep it simple stupid”) then I’ll be well on my way to designing a life (and business) that I love once again.
And as we all know, life isn’t plain sailing all the time (there’d be no fun in that anyway) so when those shit storms do occur I have the words of the great Samuel Beckett to see me through… ”Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”