I LIED

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Starting something new is an inspiring time; be it a new hobby, a new career, starting a business or a new relationship. 

At the beginning of anything new, our confidence may be a little shaky while being faced with new experiences and situations but the adrenaline is running high enough to overcome it and propel us forward on our latest endeavour and We. Are. Excited!

But what happens if you keep feeling the need to start new shit all the time and never feel fulfilled?

Personally, I have found the best driving force to start anything new in my life is when something else has gone horribly wrong – in most cases, it’s when someone has seriously pissed me off and I then embark on a mission to prove them wrong! 

Be it a business idea (when some other professional has fucked me over – that’s how I started my bridal business by the way!) entering a half marathon when you hate running (I pissed myself off with that one by feeling totally worthless whilst sitting hungover watching the London Marathon) or perhaps a new relationship to stick two fingers up at the old one (come on now, we’ve all been there!)

I actually wonder if on some level I am going through life actively seeking out shitty scenarios and rubbish relationships just so I can find the burning fire of fury to propel onto something better.

It’s like nothing is ever enough for me.

I’m constantly searching for “it” and it’s pretty damn hard to find it if you don’t know what it is!

Now, of course, we all grow through learning and experiences which of course creates changes to our paths and generally a natural progression onto bigger and better things. 

The world is ever-changing and our own needs change as we go through life. 

Throughout our lives we have to embrace the new and let go of the old on a regular basis – we adapt constantly. 

But the point I’ve come to, and maybe some of you have experienced this… I have become confused. 

So much so that I actually no longer trust myself. 

I’ve collated a portfolio of some very shitty decisions in my time – letting go of things I shouldn’t have, sticking with things I should have let go of and then starting up crap that was totally unnecessary.  And I know as human beings, we’ve all had our fair share of bad decisions, that’s life and that’s learning.

But if I’m completely honest, I actually just don’t trust my own decision making anymore.

I’ve gone through life a bit like a bull in a china shop. 

My emotions are like a rollercoaster and have been for as long as I can remember, so much so that since the age of 19 I have often found myself wondering if I have bi-polar tendencies.   

This emotional rollercoaster has been a wonderful distraction from realising and accepting how I really, truly feel. 

All the while I’ve been telling myself that I’m having fun and “that’s just me” and this is “just life.”  Well, I’m not buying my own shit anymore.

I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching recently and I have realised something.

I have been living a lie. 

A lie so good that even I believed it.

Underneath the facade, I am not the confident, strong person I have led others as well as my own self to believe. 

I’ve come to realise that I am fearful of practically every single little thing. 

I am fearful of failing.

I am fearful of what people think of me.

I am fearful of getting fat.

I am fearful of doing the wrong thing.

I am fearful of not getting it right.

I am fearful of making decisions.

I am pretty much fearful of every god damn thing!

It’s a wonder how I get out of bed and don’t stay hidden under the duvet.

But I think what is most sad of all, I no longer really trust myself and therefore I’m currently not believing in me either. 

And if I don’t believe in and trust myself, well, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to.

As high energised and happy I have made myself look in person or through my actions or speech, underneath the surface there is a very scared and fearful girl. 

She spent many past years using the wrong things such as drugs, boys, booze, excessive exercising and chasing after success to avoid dealing and accepting herself as she is – Pretty much in that order too!

Now, I have no idea why I felt the need to do this but I’m determined to get to the bottom of it…

So I’ve staged an intervention with myself.  If I know one thing about me, it’s that I love a challenge and so I’ve set myself a task to get to know the real me and be her, and only her from now on. 

Because that girl got totally lost some time ago and is currently being suffocated by layer upon layer of masks and false behaviour.

So, for the time being, I’m on a bit of a personal mission.

I have pushed some work things to the side, some personal ones too, I’ve let go of some crutches and distractions and I am making a SUPER conscious effort to slow the fuck down, check in with myself and stop covering shit up with the hope of eventually finding, or rather rediscovering, who I actually am. 

As it’s just dawned on me…  if I don’t find that lost girl then I don’t stand a chance at finding inner peace or being content in the world that I live in.  And quite frankly, I’m bored of holding this charade up…

ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA

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Well, hello my lovelies!  A huge, big squishy hug of a warm welcome to you!  Now, it’s not all going to be about big, squishy hugs around here… well, it kind of is because I TOTALLY LOVE HUGS!

But this little site I’ve just placed on the internet here is 2 fold… ME having a public brain dump (and potentially some mini meltdowns along the way) and then there is YOU who might perhaps gain a little identification from this exercise.

Now, in the 30 years of my existence on this planet, I have found connecting with people and gaining a little bit of personal identification with others to be the best helper, healer and source of inspiration. 

It all helps for the one plain and simple reason, it reminds us that we are not alone.

But sometimes, even when we are technically surrounded by our loving families, friends and perhaps even a great network of professionals, our “stinking thinking” can keep us in a dark place. The darkness in which our mind can keep us is the loneliest place of all – not to mention ridiculously frustrating to not only ourselves but others around us.

I think we all suffer from alone-ness at some point in our lives, some of us do so on a daily basis. Whatever the nature of your worries, however, it will always help to know that someone went through it and came out the other side and this is what this blog is all about.

I’m a firm believer that a problem shared is a problem halved. I would love nothing more than for you to pitch in by commenting or messaging me directly if you prefer. 

I have a total love/hate relationship with social media.

It is an amazing way of connecting with people, particularly for business and for this I am super thankful, BUT, it also encourages one to constantly compare every aspect of their life, professional and personal, against those of others. 

Unfortunately, there is no filter when it comes to viewing social media.  I’m sure on a subconscious level we absorb far more than our brains can cope with as we didn’t actively seek or search for the information, it was just fed to us.  It’s called a “News Feed” for a reason! 

I believe our mindset plays an important part in how we view and absorb information. If we’re not in the right frame of mind when information and images are fed to us via social media (and in life in general) then on a subconscious level it can actually have serious implications on our entire outlook, and with this happening again and again over time we get stuck in a rut.

On a “strong day” I relish in everyone’s posts, I comment and like statuses and flit like a butterfly from one to the other in a happy daze.  I feel emotion in what I would consider the right response to each. 

On these days, I love giving the “thumbs up”, clicking that “love button” and overusing the laughing face emoji (that’s gotta be everyone’s favourite emoji right?!) 

I will smile, laugh out loud, feel tears prickling at the happy or sad news and generally feel confident in my position to pass emotion at other’s posts.

But there are other days when I’m not feeling as confident in myself. And I can tell you that these days are far more frequent. 

I’ll still scroll along but with a negative mindset.  Those happy posts of others I still feel happy for but it’s so muted and that’s because I have an overwhelming sense of underachievement on nearly every image or post I see.

My thought processes on these days will generally go a little something like this…

“such a beautiful baby, I’m so happy for them – I’ll never have that, my dating record is a total disaster!”

“Wow, they are looking SMOKIN!!! Why don’t I have that discipline to stop eating and drinking shit and get toned and look like that??”

or one of my particular favourites would be someone who may have posted about a work achievement and I think to myself “Well maybe I don’t love my business enough to be getting the same results and I should just jack it all in!” 

These are just a few examples of the MANY negative thought processes I have each and every day.

Yes, my mind is my worst enemy, I’m sure yours is too.  And a negative mindset will soon wear the fuck out of you!

Once you board the shitty mindset wagon, it’s very hard to get off and as social media feeds are with us all day long, in our hands, pockets, handbags or on the bedside table – a depression fix is just one tap away!

So I guess it boils down to this new word that is being thrown about a lot these days – Mindfulness. 

And it’s no wonder everyone is having to practice it on a daily basis – to shut out all the ‘noise’ and to think straight and remain conscious and aware to actively protect ourselves from everything we are exposed to on a daily basis. 

There is SO MUCH information bombarding us every day that we really need to keep ourselves in a strong position to be able to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Nowadays, we all live our lives at 90 miles an hour, flying and tearing about, sending Whatsapp voice notes as we don’t even have time for an actual conversation anymore.

But are we really getting any more done than we were before? 

Are we making any more money than when we had time to sit and have a proper telephone call with someone? 

Is this really effective time management?

Or are we just confused as to how we should be living our lives and keeping busy means we don’t have to think about it? 

Sometimes we need to make a reset. I wish there was a simple reset button I could press but like many things in life, it’s not that simple so when it comes to feeling overwhelmed it’s about sitting down (WITHOUT a glass of wine – Something I’m currently teaching myself to do!) and taking inventory to work out a solution. 

We need to break attachment to things that no longer serve us – let things go or in some cases start something new.

We are all unique, with amazingly unique qualities which is our “you-ness” so it’s time to stop being a comparison Alison.  Focus on what makes us truly us and nurture the crap out of it!

Because no one else will ever be able to do you better than you and let’s face it, it’s bloody exhausting trying to be someone else!