Now don’t get me wrong, I am a huge believer in love, I have so much love for so many people and things, in fact, I probably dish out love too freely.
But perhaps my interpretation of love is not the same as yours.
In fact, I’ll be so bold as to say that every single one of us has a different perception of the word “love.”
When I talk about love I refer to something that evokes true and physical emotion from me. From goosebumps, butterflies, tears, laughter, smiles and everything in between.
I wear my heart on my sleeve and I consider myself to be a rather empathetic person.
A tad too emotionally charged I guess, but it has it’s benefits as well as it’s downfalls, and you’ve got to take the rough with the smooth…
However, I don’t believe in falling in love.
My gripe is with the “in” word – I don’t believe I’ll ever fall IN love.
In this statement, I’ve also got a problem with the word “falling” to be honest with you.
That just suggests an accident. A loss of control. An error of judgement.
We don’t fall on purpose and falls generally result in injury.
A friend said to me a few years ago – “Camilla, I can’t wait for you to fall in love, it’s the best feeling in the world.”
and my immediate response was – “Pah! I’m never going to fall in love, I’m not that stupid. Why would I pass all my emotional well being over to another person and then have them do whatever they want with it?”
Now, it may sound sad and bitter, but that’s just how it is for me.
I’m also a bit of a control freak too so the idea of surrendering or handing anything over sends me into a bit of a meltdown!
But, I’ve seen people who have “fallen in love” and have gotten their hearts broken.
Sure, I’ve had breakups.
I’ve been hurt, disappointed, upset.
I’ve mourned a loss for a few days with my friends Pinot, Sauvignon and Ben and Jerry, but within a couple of days I’ve dusted myself off and got back out there again as life goes on – it’s just a change in your direction.
And the more changes in your direction, the quicker you get used to hitting the ground running with the new one.
Now I’m referring to all kinds of relationships here. Be it a business relationship that went sour, a romantic relationship that went tits up, maybe you got evicted from your home or whatever.
I know from umpteen personal experiences on the matter that breaking away from areas of comfort isn’t easy but the new opportunities that present themselves will kick the previous right into the gutter if you allow them to.
That means you stop moping around, pull your shit together, get the faith and embrace the new way.
I’m a firm believer that someone up there has got it all in hand so the less resistance you give the easier it is to move forward.
So back to the “in love” debate…
As we get older, collecting life’s little bumps and scrapes along the way, I think it gets harder and harder to fully trust and I guess for me, when it comes to romance, that’s never imagining myself falling in love.
That’s right, I’m a fully fledged “box ticker!” – And I can tell you right now, that hasn’t been working out so well for me these past few years.
Because we can’t help but learn from our experiences, the barriers we keep building get thicker and thicker or stronger and stronger. We don’t even realise we’re doing it, it’s just a new coat of armour we wear or a new behaviour we adopt and we’ve had them for so long we don’t even know the darn things are there!
It’s our primal response to fear, it’s human nature and it’s our way of keeping ourselves safe.
It’s our primal instinct to protect ourselves which is vital to our survival.
And when confronted with situations that remind of us of bad past experiences then we go into fight or flight mode.
I’m usually a fighter with most things but it when comes to dealing with true matters of the heart where there is another human being involved who is unpredictable and complicated – I’m off!
It only took the one time of putting our hand in the fire as a toddler to learn that we never put our hand in the fire again.
Now despite everything I have just said and being fully aware that this is my own primal instincts protecting me and knowing I should budge a little and warm up to the idea of “falling in love” I can’t shake the feeling that placing your heart in someone else’s hands to be damaged seems like plain carelessness to me!
So I’m currently in the process of changing tactics (I shall be a box ticker no more!) …which to do so means I have the rather messy job of challenging some areas of my own belief system.
Yes, folks! I am fully undressing it, layer by layer to see if actually, just maybe, my “oh so strong” belief system has in fact been built on ridiculous assumptions and completely untrue facts… and is in other words… total BS.