I stopped dreaming, that’s where it went wrong.
As life picked up pace and workload and social engagements filled my calendar, my quiet thinking time got less and less.
I stopped allowing myself the necessary time and space to dream.
I was hurtling through life and energised to build my business and get the most out of everything.
I was on a mission to put myself out there as much as I could.
I had a one-track mind – to be the best that I could be, to do all that I was capable of and to learn as much as I could.
I was striving for success on a daily basis, and at the time… I was loving it!
Everything was new, exciting and I was wide-eyed at the scope to utilise all my skills, explore all my abilities, learn from all around me and build something that was all mine.
I conditioned myself to say a huge fat “YES” to everything and just figure out how to do it later.
I worked hard and celebrated harder when I pulled shit off.
I was untouchable, surfing the waves of wonder and I had completely turned my life around.
I was light years on from that broken 21 year old who spent her Christmas that year in rehab.
I was 100% not going back to the painful years I had put myself through and I had no desire to!
I finally had a vision. I had a purpose.
I knew with every bone in my body that if I could dream it and I then believed it, I would 100% achieve it.
And I was right.
Whatever I put out to the universe, it came back at me two-fold.
I “kept my side of the street clean” – made sure I was doing the right things and the rewards just kept coming. Work came in, ideas materialised, I bumped into the right people and I was presented with amazing opportunities.
I was content, I was vibrating at a high frequency and life just flowed.
Some years down the line, however, those waves took hold of me. Somewhere along the way while I was riding my ‘surfboard of glory,’ I got knocked off. Those waves took me under, churned me around and have spat me back out on the beach – exhausted, weak and half drowned.
I veered onto the wrong channel and I’ve certainly been vibrating at the wrong frequency for some time now.
I didn’t go on holiday for a couple of years when starting my business, I didn’t need to. I was too excited about making shit happen here and I didn’t want to go away and miss a thing!
Mini breaks and holidays soon became a great little recharge zone for my mind and body.
In the early years, they really gave me a chance to come away from it all, gain some perspective, work out what needs to change and what I need to do.
I used to come back rejuvenated, with a clear plan of action and ready to put it into practice!
Over the last couple of years though it seems my mental rubbish and negative thinking has been sneaking itself into my luggage.
I’ll gain a fraction of the perspective I used to and then have to busy myself abroad to distract my mind from whirring around anxiously with the same problems and not finding a solution.
It’s pretty shit being miserable on a beach.
I’ll recharge marginally and have some ideas but then as soon as I’m back, my familiar surroundings trigger old behaviours and thinking and I’m back staring at the same shit heap with no plan how to tackle it.
I’ve got a trip coming up to Israel in a couple of weeks which I am (now) mega excited about!
It nearly didn’t happen.
I was supposed to be going this week but a work opportunity presented itself and then I felt I didn’t deserve a holiday anyway so was going to forfeit the flights and just get on with things here. THANKFULLY after a few days and a bit of soul searching I came to realise that I needed to get away now more than ever!
I’m going to be just me in another country.
Apart from the clothes in my luggage and some toiletries, that’s all I’ll be taking from here.
3 days alone, just me, myself and I. I will do as I feel, feel as I do and hopefully rediscover what lights me up.