Starting something new is an inspiring time; be it a new hobby, a new career, starting a business or a new relationship.
At the beginning of anything new, our confidence may be a little shaky while being faced with new experiences and situations but the adrenaline is running high enough to overcome it and propel us forward on our latest endeavour and We. Are. Excited!
But what happens if you keep feeling the need to start new shit all the time and never feel fulfilled?
Personally, I have found the best driving force to start anything new in my life is when something else has gone horribly wrong – in most cases, it’s when someone has seriously pissed me off and I then embark on a mission to prove them wrong!
Be it a business idea (when some other professional has fucked me over – that’s how I started my bridal business by the way!) entering a half marathon when you hate running (I pissed myself off with that one by feeling totally worthless whilst sitting hungover watching the London Marathon) or perhaps a new relationship to stick two fingers up at the old one (come on now, we’ve all been there!)
I actually wonder if on some level I am going through life actively seeking out shitty scenarios and rubbish relationships just so I can find the burning fire of fury to propel onto something better.
It’s like nothing is ever enough for me.
I’m constantly searching for “it” and it’s pretty damn hard to find it if you don’t know what it is!
Now, of course, we all grow through learning and experiences which of course creates changes to our paths and generally a natural progression onto bigger and better things.
The world is ever-changing and our own needs change as we go through life.
Throughout our lives we have to embrace the new and let go of the old on a regular basis – we adapt constantly.
But the point I’ve come to, and maybe some of you have experienced this… I have become confused.
So much so that I actually no longer trust myself.
I’ve collated a portfolio of some very shitty decisions in my time – letting go of things I shouldn’t have, sticking with things I should have let go of and then starting up crap that was totally unnecessary. And I know as human beings, we’ve all had our fair share of bad decisions, that’s life and that’s learning.
But if I’m completely honest, I actually just don’t trust my own decision making anymore.
I’ve gone through life a bit like a bull in a china shop.
My emotions are like a rollercoaster and have been for as long as I can remember, so much so that since the age of 19 I have often found myself wondering if I have bi-polar tendencies.
This emotional rollercoaster has been a wonderful distraction from realising and accepting how I really, truly feel.
All the while I’ve been telling myself that I’m having fun and “that’s just me” and this is “just life.” Well, I’m not buying my own shit anymore.
I’ve been doing a bit of soul searching recently and I have realised something.
I have been living a lie.
A lie so good that even I believed it.
Underneath the facade, I am not the confident, strong person I have led others as well as my own self to believe.
I’ve come to realise that I am fearful of practically every single little thing.
I am fearful of failing.
I am fearful of what people think of me.
I am fearful of getting fat.
I am fearful of doing the wrong thing.
I am fearful of not getting it right.
I am fearful of making decisions.
I am pretty much fearful of every god damn thing!
It’s a wonder how I get out of bed and don’t stay hidden under the duvet.
But I think what is most sad of all, I no longer really trust myself and therefore I’m currently not believing in me either.
And if I don’t believe in and trust myself, well, I wouldn’t expect anyone else to.
As high energised and happy I have made myself look in person or through my actions or speech, underneath the surface there is a very scared and fearful girl.
She spent many past years using the wrong things such as drugs, boys, booze, excessive exercising and chasing after success to avoid dealing and accepting herself as she is – Pretty much in that order too!
Now, I have no idea why I felt the need to do this but I’m determined to get to the bottom of it…
So I’ve staged an intervention with myself. If I know one thing about me, it’s that I love a challenge and so I’ve set myself a task to get to know the real me and be her, and only her from now on.
Because that girl got totally lost some time ago and is currently being suffocated by layer upon layer of masks and false behaviour.
So, for the time being, I’m on a bit of a personal mission.
I have pushed some work things to the side, some personal ones too, I’ve let go of some crutches and distractions and I am making a SUPER conscious effort to slow the fuck down, check in with myself and stop covering shit up with the hope of eventually finding, or rather rediscovering, who I actually am.
As it’s just dawned on me… if I don’t find that lost girl then I don’t stand a chance at finding inner peace or being content in the world that I live in. And quite frankly, I’m bored of holding this charade up…